Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.