If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You Might Also Like
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
this is the news I live for
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Spider-cat: No One Home
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.