CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Clients after you give them your rates
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
War & Peace
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember