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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!