All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it