*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
You Might Also Like
i baked you a cake
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]