Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.