Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.