Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.