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BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related