This dudes dogs 馃榿battle cry
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College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don鈥檛 drink too fast you鈥檒l get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn鈥檛 say I鈥檝e let quarantine life change me.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
friend: don鈥檛 worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day