4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
You Might Also Like
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My work here is don’t.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.