Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
dogs can find happiness so easily
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
There are usually two types of merchants.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year