hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.