Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.