“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.