Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?