Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.