someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason