Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.