My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
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Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Where is your GOD now????
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather