My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
✌🏽
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes