I occasionally drink every single night.
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.