How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
what’s really going on
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water