Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Have kids, they said
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog