People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck