When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
me: my friends:
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato