Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
my first day as a raccoon
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime