Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
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She was REALLY feeling it.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.