’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
☺️
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee