What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract