Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
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My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Anime is real
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese