Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
secret recipe
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
new record!
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that