My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day