[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Don’t make me out nice you.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]