A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!