Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
We all have our pet causes.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.