The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
LOL
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.