Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.