Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
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I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart