What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.