Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*