Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I wonât be the only one here asleep by halftime.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdomâŚno more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
no their not
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Iâm in a doctorâs office waiting room and thereâs a People magazine on the table. I canât believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: đ
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: đĄ
Anyone: yo mister
Me: đĄđĄđĄ
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think theyâre finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me too, bag. Me tooâŚ.
My dad told my mom heâd never divorce her because he doesnât want her that happy.
Welcome to middle age. âI carried a watermelonâ has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say âI think Iâve already told you thisâ and say it again anyway
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Whatâs parenting 4 kids like so far?
Iâve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Iâm really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!