This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
👾👾👾
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.