Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Had to try this trend 😊
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
File under excellent bookstore names.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is