The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Chemical wingman
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.