If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…