[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.