Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies