sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.